The First Crush (Also Known as the First Emotional Rollercoaster)

I was ten years old the first time I had a crush.

And not just a crush. I mean head-over-heels, stars-in-my-eyes, brain-has-left-the-building in love.

The problem?
He was so much older than me.

Like… embarrassingly older.
Like… “sir, I still thought scented erasers were a personality” older.

Did he like me back?
No.
Not even a little.

And honestly? I was completely fine with that.

Because at ten years old, logic does not exist. Only ✨feelings✨.

This crush wasn’t about holding hands or dating or even really talking. It was about thinking. Constantly. Relentlessly. At night. While staring at the ceiling. Replaying the same three seconds of interaction like it was a feature film.

I couldn’t sleep.
I couldn’t focus.
My brain had decided that thinking about him was now its full-time job.

It was the kind of crush where you don’t want anything from the person—you just want to exist in the same general space. Maybe make accidental eye contact. Then immediately panic. Then think about it for the next six business days.

And the funniest part?
He knew.

Not in a dramatic way. No confrontation. No awkward talk. Just a quiet, mutual understanding that I was a kid with a very serious case of puppy love.

And to his credit, he handled it perfectly. Kind. Neutral. Respectful. Fully aware that I would someday grow up and look back on this and laugh.

There was no rejection speech.
No heartbreak montage.
Just the gentle reality that some feelings are real… and also temporary… and also deeply unserious.

But wow, did they feel serious at the time.

That crush felt enormous. All-consuming. Like my heart had discovered a new setting and cranked it all the way up without asking permission.

It was my first taste of that strange thing where your heart decides something before your brain even clocks in. Where nothing actually happens, but everything feels like it is happening.

No broken heart.
No drama.
Just a ten-year-old lying awake at night thinking, Wow. So this is love.

Narrator voice:
It was not.

The Lesson

What that first crush taught me wasn’t about romance.
It was about feelings.

Big ones can show up early.
They can feel intense and real and overwhelming—even when they don’t go anywhere. And that doesn’t make them silly or wrong. It just makes them human.

I learned that not every feeling needs to be returned to be valid.
Sometimes you’re allowed to like someone quietly, harmlessly, and then eventually move on to your next dramatic obsession.

Most of all, I learned that our hearts start practicing early.
They imagine, overthink, and lose sleep long before they know what they’re doing.

And if you’re lucky, you get to look back years later and laugh—grateful that your first love didn’t break you…
it just kept you up past bedtime.

💛A quiet hooray to the small, early feelings that helped shape us, even when nothing ever happened.